Dreams

So last night I went to bed early, about 10:30. I haven't been sleeping well so I was tired.

Well, I had this dream, where Bryon and I were in bed just watching TV, Jennifer came in, sat on the edge of the bed and was talking to us. After a bit Nicholas came home and he had Mike with him, ( a friend of his ).
Nicholas came into the room to let us know he was home and sat in a chair at the computer desk. He has this little hand held camera in his hand and says, " Look at Mikes new camera, It takes great pictures". He  connected the camera to my laptop at the desk to bring up the pictures they took. Most of the pictures were covered with this smokey like mist.I knew Mike was in the house, but never saw him.

I woke up, went to the bathroom came back to bed and was just slipping back into sleep when Nicholas knocked on the door and said " Mom, you awake, I have to tell you something". I told him to come in and he tells me the following..

You know how Mike lives with his Grandmother, well his bedroom is like in the basement that has been all redone for him. His Grandparents have lived in the house forever. Well the lights started to go on and off, some of the drywall started falling down, bits and pieces and out of the corner of our eyes we think we see things. Then he said, you know how Mikes Mother committed suicide on Christmas Eve last year, well I think that has something to do with it but I don't want to tell Mike that. He asked me what I thought because Mike was getting scared.

I told him it might be something to do with his Mother, it is coming up on her first year anniversary death and it was suicide. Take a camera and take pictures, take three where ever you snap one that way you could see if something changes per frame.

Bryon had come up during this conversation. Nicholas said okay, Good Night and left. Bryon get into bed and we started to go to sleep when I jump up and said WOW, I just realized what Nicholas just talked about was kind off messed up because of the dream I just had before he came in tonight.

So now I'm thinking, if the dream was connected some how, if they take pictures they may actually come up with something... Kind of freaky.

Its Not Easy

Life is'nt easy. I have asked myself a dozen times, Would I want life to be easy after all I have learned and dealing with all my struggles? The answer is no, simply no.

I have realized everything you go through, every struggle, every moment and every person that comes and goes throughout your life, is what shapes you and makes you.

Yes, there have been times when I have asked " why the hell do I even bother" I think we all have been there and we all have made it through those times. I see strength through every situation I have been put it, I see hope after every time I made it out. And those moments have helped me be me.

If life was easy, who would you be? What would you be working towards? What would be important and what would you have learned?

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When Reality Hits

I suppose everyone stops, thinks and reflects about themselves and their life at some point and time.
I guess in most situations it's an event that brings out the need to search for the truth.

This happen to me this past May. Everything I thought I knew about myself was in question, who I thought I was, was now lost and those I considered family were now strangers.

Hard? I believe for me, this has been the hardest thing I have had to do and accept. It's been 6 months, 6 months of truth, of pain, of tears and searching. 6 months since I last saw my mother, 4 brothers and sister. I havent spoken to any of them and to be honest what started out as sadness of the lost has turn to anger towards them and just thinking about any of them sets my anxiety to new levels.

I have always told my children people treat you as you allow them to treat you. Looking back I can see my responsibility in what took place back in May. I allowed the treatment, I made the choices and decisions on what to allow and not allow.

Searching

Forgiveness... one of the most powerful words in society. Inner strength needed from both ends. That who says it must aquire strength of truth and sincere peace and that who accepts it must aquire an open heart of understanding and ownership.

Matthew 6:14-15
For if ye aforgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you:
But if ye aforgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

Forgiveness, I view as the hardest struggle in my life. I want to forgive her, I want my heart to be free of this struggle,  My hopes are after saying it all, after letting my heart speak, after exposing my soul, that maybe, maybe it will help me reach that strength of truth and sincere peace I need in order to say that powerful word, Forgive.

Family, a word of love and strength. Home. a word of comfort and safety.

If the world was perfect, at birth each of us would be snuggled in between those two words